Yes, that’s right.
We liberals, progressives, RINOs, libertarians and Kanye West voters all conspired with operatives in China to create COVID in a lab and then release it through bats.
We did this to distract you while we sent transgender teachers to instruct your kindergartners on critical race theory, and while we all got rich on climate change mitigation efforts.
So why did judges and state election officials certify the 2020 election? OK, this one might surprise you: Biden did indeed win the election, but we fabricated some issues with voting machines and early voting, just to confuse people at Fox News. Rupert Murdoch and his company knew those rumors were lies, but we knew they would have to report the falsehoods just to avoid losing their audience to Newsmax. The whole point was to discredit Fox, which explains why George Soros hired crisis actors to get injured on January 6. (Josh Hawley’s frightened race away from the mob was merely a happy coincidence.)
Putin is actually in on this as well, which explains the Ukraine invasion and the army of Russian bots that wreak havoc on Twitter.
We cis hetero white people with advanced degrees and solid investment portfolios are doing all this, even though it’s against our self-interest, because Satan.
And all we needed to make it all work was to manufacture a virus and then hoard the vaccines that were sped into the market by President …
…
… Trump?
…
Wait a minute …
OK, never mind. Maybe we’re all just focused on reason, empathy and compassion, which is why we want people to stay safe from COVID, have a reasonable financial safety net, keep Ukraine free, fight climate change on behalf of future generations, teach kids the truth about race relations through history, allow transgender people to live in a way that will stave off suicidal ideation (without doing gender-affirming surgery on pubescents, which is neither recommended nor common), help refugees find a safe and fruitful life somewhere on this planet, strike a balance between protecting domestic manufacturing and the efficiencies that keep prices down for domestic consumers, etc., etc., etc.
But I suppose that’s too hard to believe.
